Words From 'Femme Fatale Gals' Founder Khaya Job
It’s been a long time since I last sat down to write something. I don’t tend to do things half-heartedly and writing for me, is a complete and utter bearing of the soul. I make magazines about love and vulnerability, and I still struggle with both of these things. Writing in this way requires huge vulnerability – all of my truths spill out, and sometimes I’m not ready for the truth.
I think that we are a society full of avoidants. It’s so easy to avoid these days, with so many distractions at hand. We know how to numb and to run and to dance but we’re not so good at sitting down with ourselves. I am constantly self-reflecting and looking at myself (it’s part of my job too), but I still find it hard to be vulnerable. I find it hard to follow my heart.
Love, vulnerability, self-empowerment, purpose – these are all themes I have explored personally and professionally over the past 4 years. And I’m still lost! I still don’t know the answers. I’m still coming to terms with forgiveness. And I still struggle to let go of the past. Life is so full of trauma and chaos and pain – it’s hard to not be avoidant. I feel we all so desperately want to love. To love and be loved, in all ways. I want love to engulf me. But we are all too well versed in pain.
When I think of us all as people – and how secretly full of hope we all are, my heart bursts. I watch our worldly tenacity; how we all get up over and over again. We never stop trying. Even those of us that are jaded. We keep going. My night job is as a mental health crisis worker. I take calls from people in distress, often who are suicidal. Regular people; teachers, fathers, daughters, brothers. All of these people who are feeling so much pain, but they don’t give up. They keep going. Everyone secretly still has hope for a better day.
We are all so flawed and that’s painful sometimes. Nobody gets out unmarked. But we still hope. The past year globally looked really hopeless at times. Bad news, after more bad news, after more bad news. But the human spirit prevails. This contrast is what brings me to my knees. It’s what gives me the strength to be vulnerable. To keep going. I get overwhelmed with all of the pain, the suffering and the darkness in the world. And then I equally am overwhelmed by the strength of my friends. Our neighbours. People. I think this love and vulnerability thing is one big dance. To love is to know pain. And to know pain is to have loved. I’m trying to find the right balance every day.
Sometimes I feel so much, and I don’t have the words. Writing for me is a complete and utter bearing of the soul. Nothing really makes any sense and I think that’s my truth for today. I don’t have any answers. Just confusion, and lots of love, and joy, and hope. And equally lots of pain, and sadness and sorrow. I think that’s just life, heavy as it is. The contrast is so beautiful.